Maybe IDK
I’m dying. That’s certainly not the thought you want to have when you walk out of a doctor’s office, but that’s where I found myself this past week where I waited until I could lock myself in my car to let the tears fall.
It was a routine appointment, one in which I became incredibly annoyed. I’m not sure why you are asked to disrobe, hang out in a paper gown with your derriere exposed on an examination table with no back support when they plan to make you wait in there like that for forty-five minutes. About thirty minutes in, I considered getting dressed again and just leaving, already writing my appointment review in my head.
But I stayed until the doctor came in to meet with me. By the end of the appointment I was referred to explore a mass that was found. Talk about left-field news.
As a processor, I couldn’t even think quickly enough to ask basic questions such as, “Should I be overly concerned?” because it was a routine appointment and I was expecting to walk in and walk out and go on with my day. It wasn’t until I was home that I had all the questions. And the only hope I had to hang onto were my stoic doctor’s accompanying words with her referral: “just to be safe.”
I cried in my car, I cried with a friend when I went to pick up my son. I spent the rest of the day under a cloud. I couldn’t even pray. Not because I felt like freezing God out. I just felt numb.
But something strange happened when I woke up the next morning. I had my regular devotional time, I talked to God – albeit my health only took up one sentence of my entire prayer- and then I got on with my day without a worry.
If you know me, you know I’m a worst-case scenario girl. I’d rather plan for that so I can always either be prepared or pleasantly surprised. Some think that’s a terrible way to live, but I guess I’m just insulating myself from disappointment.
One of my Bible study friends checked in on me during the days that followed, asking how I was doing. This was my response to her:
…”I’m honestly doing great. I don’t even know how to explain it. I’ve even considered scenarios where I’m on a cancer death path and all I can think is, ‘oh well, I’m just gonna live the heck out of life until it’s over.’ Which is NOT me.
And I know everyone keeps saying that it’s God’s peace that he is giving me, but to be honest, I haven’t even prayed about my situation much. I’ve been doing my normal devotional and prayer time, but it feels like a non-issue to me. Which is SO weird, because that isn’t where I was when I first left the doctor’s office this week.
Not saying it’s not God’s peace, but if it is, I’m living on the prayers of everyone else, which is so beautiful in and of itself”…
I honestly don’t know how to explain why I don’t feel worried. I told Brent that it’s probably nothing, but I’m prepared to tackle it one day at a time if it turns out to be something. I think he’s shocked at how well I’m keeping the anxiety at bay. In fact, I don’t feel that there’s anything to keep at bay, which is not consistent with how I handle any other concerning issue in my life.
But this matter, though it could have devastating outcomes, feels different. When I actually could have a reason to worry, I’m not.
There’s something to be said about the prayers of those you are in community with. I know my family, my parents, their Bible study group, my Bible study group, and a few close friends are storming heaven’s gates, asking God for an “all clear” after my next appointment. They are praying prayers I’m not even praying for myself. God is carrying me because of them.
And that’s the only explanation for why I’m not worried. Why I’m actually enjoying life a little more than usual this weekend. Why I’m playing games with my kids completely present, and eating meals with friends, laughing together. Because even if it’s news I hope I don’t hear, those same people will be going before me, praying for me every step along my designated path. And in the end, God gets all the glory, even if…
On Friday night, I happened to think of a Jon Bellion song a high school student shared with me about seven years ago during a time he was struggling with his faith. It’s not a Christian song, so fair warning if you choose to listen to it. But isn’t it funny that God can use whatever he wants in any moment to minister to you, even a secular song that is only a memory of a single day seven years prior. I opened Spotify and listened to it as I was getting ready for bed, and the chorus told me what my heart already knows:
Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn’t need faith
I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn’t need grace
I guess if I knew His plans, I guess He wouldn’t be God
So maybe I don’t know…
But maybe that’s okay
I don’t know what tomorrow holds, and I don’t need to. I just need Him.
6 Comments
Debbie Branton
You know me and situations present here…. I can totally relate. Praying for you and yours and as always am here
Christian A
Keeping you in my prayers
Karen P.
Praying Isaiah 26:3 over you my love.
Dee Ann
Sorry for what you’re going through, but totally know God will use it for good! So great to see faith in action, lived out, just trusting God and going about your days! Good stuff!
Vonda Hawthorne
Thanks for sharing your story. Praying for God to continue to bring you peace and for a positive out come.
Courtney
Praying for you!